Divorce or separation involves grieving, anger, and remorse, but whether or not you initiated it, a parting of ways is also your opportunity for an upgrade. Taking that opportunity, however, depends on identifying the problems in your prior relationship and recognizing that you probably shared responsibility for what went awry.
Chances are, both of you fell short in the basics of quality time, touch, and communication in your last marriage. Lovingness and communication skills tend to deteriorate with satisfaction level.
- Identify faults quickly: The quicker you can identify faults, the quicker you can stop dwelling on them.
- Stop ruminating: The quicker you stop ruminating over wrongdoing, the faster you can forgive both of you. And then, change begins.
- Avoid the most common 2nd marriage error: Re-marrying the same person in an updated, improved, but deceptively similar package. Marrying a sweet alcoholic instead of a mean one would be an example.
- Avoid the 2nd most common error: Being so thrilled to be free from your former spouse’s flaws, you shop for the exact opposite. Your exuberance over receiving exactly what you’ve needed can blind you to the new set of faults in the replacement spouse.
Choosing a new love with your heart and brain is very important, but perhaps more important than not making mistakes is breaking your own bad habits. Unhappiness in a marriage leads to self-indulgence and heightened irritability, which will not be an aphrodisiac or asset in your next relationship. You need time to think between commitments to understand what you want and what you will do differently to achieve success.
14 Relationship Pointers: What To Do and What Not To Do
The “Don’ts”
- Don’t take away the bait. You already know what your spouse likes. What lured them into your marriage is your best tool for keeping them happy. Use it! First of all, they find it tasty. Secondly, it will help keep your mate hooked on you.
- Don’t store resentments and anger generally, and don’t fight at night. Sometimes, the absolute best thing to do with your wrath is give it a nap. Tiredness exacerbates perceived difficulties, heightens aggravation, and can get in the way of a sensible, healthy resolution. In over thirty years of experience as a therapist, I’ve yet to meet the couple that had a knockdown drag-out at 8 AM.
- Don’t overreact. Spouses can temporarily forget how wonderful you are. Be patient, sweet, and confident. Their good senses usually return.
- Don’t whine. This is not communication; it is an irritant.
- Don’t start a conversation with negativity. Avoid phrases like, “The trouble with you…” “I can’t stand it when you…” “You drive me crazy…” etc. Self-righteous, negative beginnings beget rotten endings.
- Don’t say they can’t do what you want them to do. You are being either ridiculously illogical or demotivational.
The “Dos”
- Do know that anger is toxic.
- Do know that conflict resolution should be the endeavor.
- Do make your relationship priority #1. From the first day of the first month, spend at least 20 minutes daily for talk time, and scheduling a weekly date night is a must!
- Do enforce crowd control. There are attention-greedy narcissists out there who will try to take what rightfully belongs to your spouse for himself or herself. When you’re in a happy marriage, be prepared to rebuff attempts – both subtle and otherwise – to divide you.
- Do resolve differences effectively. Sandwich a touchy point with praise. Example: “You know I think you are the greatest and wouldn’t hurt me for the world, but when your friend verbally attacked me, I wish that you had defended me. I know you are on my side and usually have my back.”
- Do remember anger begets anger. Words can be forgiven, but some may be impossible to forget.
- Do know that what you think about your spouse is as important as what you say and do. If you despise, resent, or are contemptuous of your partner, all the communication techniques in the world won’t improve your relationship. If your thoughts are loving, they will sense this and be more relaxed and feel safe, which is a great basis for absorbing the love they are shown.
- Do laugh often, hug, hold hands, and romantically kiss daily. If you aren’t feeling in love at a given moment, keep loving – the in-love feelings often return. Love is an action verb, not just a feeling.
Conclusion
Your second life partner should get even more gratitude and praise than you gave the first. Use your relationship experience to be at the peak of your game as a lover in the larger sense of the word. The second time around is your opportunity to be your best possible version of you.
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